Spiderman Brand New Day & MyGlitch

Disclosure: As a reminder I don't go back and correct any mental errors while writing because that is true to how my brain works with living with epilepsy. In order to understand this by someone just joining, one example at times I might speak a seteances out ouf order, or repeat them, spelling.

Sometimes a movie follows you home.

We were fortunate to have both Bryce and Broc home for a week. Bryce drove home from Grad school to celebrate Broc's 22nd bday on the 3rd, and Brent's bday on the 8th. To say that is the best gift for all of us to be together, is an understatement. There is just something different about having everyone "home" again.(Atleast i LOVE IT)

On Sunday, the day before Broc's bday we went to see the new Spider Man movie, Brand New Day. I can't remember the last time we got to all go see a movie in the theatr all together. I must say there is nothing like true movie theayre popcorn. Being the mom of boys as they grew up, it was many types of these type of movies we saw. I expected action, humor, and the usual superhero weight of saving the world. What I did not expect was to feel how i did when we left, and I thought about it a lot since then.

Peter Parker AKA Spider Man, carries the pressure of being needed by everyone while still wanting a normal life. He wants connection, but the closer he gets to people, the more dangerous it feels. He does not want the people he loves to suffer because of what he carries.

The movie continued to strike my mind all week, and created today's blog.

Based on how MyGlitch feels like Peter Parker did in the movie.

Most people who do not know me well would have no idea I live with MyGlitches.

That is partly because I have learned how to hide them. I have learned how to smile through moments when my body feels unpredictable. I have learned how to keep going when my brain feels like it is throwing off wild sparks. I have learned how to make it look smaller than it feels.

There is a strange skill that comes with living with something invisible. You decide when to speak up and when to stay quiet. You decide whether the people around you need to know what is happening inside your body.

That choice can feel protective. So I hold some of it in, cause I don't want them to deal with what my family and I live daily.

I tell myself I am sparing them.(my family reminds me this is not best)

The hard truth is that sometimes, holding it in makes it worse.

Stress becomes part of MyGlitch

In the movie, Peter’s stress and isolation affect him physically. The pressure builds. The need to be okay for everyone else starts changing him from the inside. That is the part that resonated most.

For me, stress is not just emotional. It does not stay neatly in my thoughts. It lands in my body. It affects my nervous system, kills my sleep. It feeds into the hormonal imbalance with my menopause.(read July 24th blog on the menopause MyGlitch topic)Then MyGlitches can increase, and what I was trying to hide becomes harder to manage.

This is personal, my own pattern. When I push through too long, the sparks seem louder. I sometimes create more stress for myself and for the people around me.

That is the irony. I hide MyGlitches to protect my family, but if hiding them adds stress, then I may be making the burden heavier for my family & close friends.

The Mask of Spiderman

Spider Man wears a mask to protect the people he loves. The mask lets him do what needs to be done. It also keeps him alone.

That is one of the loneliest parts of any hidden struggle,, like depression, anxiety, chronic illness, are just a few examples. The mask works, until it does not. It is different for all people, pending on their hidden sytuggle.

My mask may look like humor, or a laugh that truly isn;t even time to have a lsugh it just cimes out that way. It may change the subject. I might say, “I’m fine,”(my hubby hates this one the most) when I am not fully fine. It may look like stepping away for a minute without explaining why.

There are moments when that "Spiderman mask" helps. I feel my provacy, along with my family's privacy. Not every person needs access to every part of our health, our fears, or our pain. But there is a difference between privacy and making yourself isolated from others. By definition:

Privacy says, “I get to choose what I share.”

Isolation says, “I have to carry this alone.”

That difference matters. One of these reasons is another reason why i began my blog to begin with, this movie just made it even more clear. I have gotten better over the years at letting my family know what is happening does not mean I am making them responsible for fixing it. But I do still have those stubborn Aries days, where I still have that "Spiderman mask" on at times, even for my family.

Being honest does NOT mean giving up

For a long time, I think I confused honesty with weakness.

If I admitted I was having a hard day, I felt like MyGlitches had won.

Over the years i have learned honesty is the strongest thing I can do.

It can sound simple: “I’m having some glitchy feelings today, I have been feeling off or I need to just laydown today/tonight”

The people who love us do not always need a full explanation. Sometimes they just need a hint like above. Just so they can also be prepared for how to love you even more...just in case MyGlitch comes on.

Just like the more Peter tried to protect everyone by carrying everything alone, the more the pressure changed him. He needed to be honest, so he could be Petere & Spiderman.

What I brought home from Spiderman Brand New Day

I am not only the MyGlitch. I am not only the worry. I am not only the thing that might happen. I am a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a person who loves having her sons home. I am someone who can sit in a movie theater and find meaning in a superhero story. I am someone learning how to live with an electrical brain that sometimes fires in ways I cannot control.Just like Spiderman couldn't control his changes, by hiding behind his mask. Spiderman Brand New Day taught me something I have felt but cannnot always explain, so I hope this blog expleined it a bit better.

MyGlitches may be part of my/family's story, but they are not the whole story.

The mask may help me move through the world,

but I don't want to be trapped behind it.

When our sons were home, when we were all together,

I was reminded that love is not always something we protect people from.

Sometimes love is what helps us stop hiding.

Team Parmer is now like

Spiderman with a Brand New Day